Dry Heart, Empty Mind
OK, I usually don’t write things this transparent. I usually write about my theological thoughts, but lately I haven’t had any. I have been having a tough time, and I am only sharing this because the two things that have been echoing through my head were told to me by a friend who shares much of my experience.
Let me start by introducing you to Joe. He joins many of you as my best friend from a particular place in life’s journey. Joe will be 70 in April. He is a very young 70 though. At the age of 17, Joe went to Paris to study organ. We he came home he got a degree in music before being drafted. Along the way, he also earned a MSM and a DSM.
He fell in love with the liturgy of the Methodist Book of Worship and then entered seminary, where he joined the Order of St Luke (a Methodist monastic order devoted to liturgical renewal). After several parish assignments, Joe found himself in Toronto, OH where he celebrated a weekly Eucharist with all the smells and bells, and had daily Morning Prayer services. His stay there was short, and it was also his last as a UM pastor.
Today I spent the day going with Joe to Pittsburgh. He began talking about his career in the UMC. He made two remarkable comments. The first was:
“I was just tired of not fitting in…I just wanted to feel at home, with people like me, where I was the norm. I left when I knew that would never happen in the UMC.”
The second was:
“I realized that me being there either meant me not being healthy and fulfilled, doing things the way they wanted, or them not being fulfilled, having to do things my way. Everywhere I went I tried to move them toward the liturgy, but when I left, they just were left picking up the pieces and going back to things as usual. It was better for us all if I was not there.”
Joe’s comments cut me to the heart, because those are the two things that I have been struggling with the last month or two. Will I ever feel at home? Will I ever be surrounded by a group of people like me where I can just blend in and be one of the guys? Will I have to start over at every stop? Will I always be fighting this fight? Is it worth it? What will happen when I leave? Will I do more damage than good in the long term? Would it be better for everyone if I just found a tradition where I fit in?
Where is my place?
Where is my home?
Where am I?
Who am I?
Let me start by introducing you to Joe. He joins many of you as my best friend from a particular place in life’s journey. Joe will be 70 in April. He is a very young 70 though. At the age of 17, Joe went to Paris to study organ. We he came home he got a degree in music before being drafted. Along the way, he also earned a MSM and a DSM.
He fell in love with the liturgy of the Methodist Book of Worship and then entered seminary, where he joined the Order of St Luke (a Methodist monastic order devoted to liturgical renewal). After several parish assignments, Joe found himself in Toronto, OH where he celebrated a weekly Eucharist with all the smells and bells, and had daily Morning Prayer services. His stay there was short, and it was also his last as a UM pastor.
Today I spent the day going with Joe to Pittsburgh. He began talking about his career in the UMC. He made two remarkable comments. The first was:
“I was just tired of not fitting in…I just wanted to feel at home, with people like me, where I was the norm. I left when I knew that would never happen in the UMC.”
The second was:
“I realized that me being there either meant me not being healthy and fulfilled, doing things the way they wanted, or them not being fulfilled, having to do things my way. Everywhere I went I tried to move them toward the liturgy, but when I left, they just were left picking up the pieces and going back to things as usual. It was better for us all if I was not there.”
Joe’s comments cut me to the heart, because those are the two things that I have been struggling with the last month or two. Will I ever feel at home? Will I ever be surrounded by a group of people like me where I can just blend in and be one of the guys? Will I have to start over at every stop? Will I always be fighting this fight? Is it worth it? What will happen when I leave? Will I do more damage than good in the long term? Would it be better for everyone if I just found a tradition where I fit in?
Where is my place?
Where is my home?
Where am I?
Who am I?
posted by EF + at 6:40 PM
4 Comments:
I love you, my friend.
I hear the pain/struggle in your questions. I don't have any answers for you, though I wish I did. I do have some questions for you. Maybe they will help or maybe they will just leave you with more questions.
Are your beliefs ones you have worked out with God?
Are you where God has called you?
Did Christ feel at home during his walk on this earth? Did He feel like he fit in? Were His struggles worth it? What happened when He left? Did He do more damage than good? Would it have been better if He had just found somewhere He fit in?
I can only imagine the struggles you or any other pastor faces as they take a stand for Christ and try to do His will as they see it. Know I will be praying for you to find the answers to continue what God has for you. I will also pray some to come along side and support you in His work. I am thankful you have Antonina as a support. We all need those who support us no matter what.
Love to both of you,
Wanda
I love you too, my friend.
Eric,
I would say join the crowd. But that is good, there is a growing crowd within the church, where you and those like you (me) will find a home.
Fight the good fight, my brother. For if you don't, who will.
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