I have been reflecting on my first year in full-time professional ministry. Is it what I expected? Is it what I hoped for? Yes and no. There are many things I love about my job, but I'd like to reflect on one of the things that I would like to improve: being a pastor.

At seminary there was a big push to help us articulate a philosophy of ministry. As I reflect on the first year here, I find myself reflecting on "The Shepherd of the Hills." It is an excellent novel set in the ozark hills of southern Missouri. I will not give away too much in case some of you have not read it, but it is about a man who ran away from his life in the city to find peace and rest in the hills. In the hills, the man becomes loved by all the people and becomes the shepherd of the hills.

I wonder, after this year in ministry, if being a pastor hasn't gotten in the way of me being a pastor. I find myself feeling more like the church's business manager than like the people's pastor. To me being a pastor is about prayer, preaching the word and administering the sacraments, and being a spiritual friend to the people in my parish. I have always loved this poem by Eugene Peterson:

"I want to study God’s Word long and carefully
so that when I stand before you and preach and teach I will be accurate.

I want to pray, slowly and lovingly,
so that my relation with God will be inward and honest.

And I want to be with you, often and leisurely,
so that we can recognize each other as close companions on the way of the cross
and be available for counsel and encouragement to each other."

Yet I feel consumed by meetings and finance and scheduling and organizing and administration and ...

There has to be a better way. There has to be a better way to love people than to plan meetings. There has to be a better way to walk with people than to sit behind a desk coordinating a calendar. There has to be a better way. The early church refused to let the apostles be consumed by such tasks. They designated 7 deacons to oversee the day to day work of the church so the apostles could focus on preaching, teaching, and praying. How have we come so far off the path?

And so I am left pondering, is being a pastor the biggest obstacle to being a pastor?

Thanks for the encouragment!

Thank you all for the various conversations we had. You all are such a blessing. I want to share one of the emails I received recently.

Dear Eric (from my old youth group in KC)

We had 12 teens in Sunday school Sunday. Three of them are 6th, 7th, 8th graders and we started a Junior High class Sunday with these three. We have two others who come part of the time with three other prospects we need to draw back in.

I am so excited about the growth in the last 6 months. We had a wonderful time at NYC and the kids came back closer to God and are willing to work for Him. There were some life changing decisions made during that week in our kids. We adopted a 12 year old boy and raise $25 a month to send to him for food, clothing and schooling. They are going to L.A. in July for deeper training (it is called FUEL). They are doing a 30 hour famine in February and Nick and Andy are working with REAP a local group in Raytown to help those who need food and shelter. The teens are starting to take the fifth Sunday morning service and do the whole service. We are going to the KC Rescue Mission to tour and see the ways we can contribute in their ministry, sometime this month.

I am so excited, oh I think I said that already, or well, I am EXCITED.

We have Cress and Ashley working with the Teens as vol. Youth Pastors, Cassie as a sponsor (loves to work with the kids and has a beautiful voice which helps with the singing). I am teaching the Senior High and NYI president and Joseph and Kimberly are teaching the Junior High. We are starting to work toward getting more involved with district functions such as hosting a teen quiz meet in Oct., participating in 'Eyes wide open overnight' (where we will pay $25 to sleep in a cardboard box all night in a parking lot to raise money for the homeless and see first hand how it feels to be without a bed or a home for one night).

The kids are talking about our next Work and Witness trip and they were asking if there is an opportunity for us to come up and work for you and your Church or a Church near you or your community/town?

I had better go and get back to work.
Love You both

Judy

Dry Heart, Empty Mind

OK, I usually don’t write things this transparent. I usually write about my theological thoughts, but lately I haven’t had any. I have been having a tough time, and I am only sharing this because the two things that have been echoing through my head were told to me by a friend who shares much of my experience.

Let me start by introducing you to Joe. He joins many of you as my best friend from a particular place in life’s journey. Joe will be 70 in April. He is a very young 70 though. At the age of 17, Joe went to Paris to study organ. We he came home he got a degree in music before being drafted. Along the way, he also earned a MSM and a DSM.

He fell in love with the liturgy of the Methodist Book of Worship and then entered seminary, where he joined the Order of St Luke (a Methodist monastic order devoted to liturgical renewal). After several parish assignments, Joe found himself in Toronto, OH where he celebrated a weekly Eucharist with all the smells and bells, and had daily Morning Prayer services. His stay there was short, and it was also his last as a UM pastor.

Today I spent the day going with Joe to Pittsburgh. He began talking about his career in the UMC. He made two remarkable comments. The first was:

“I was just tired of not fitting in…I just wanted to feel at home, with people like me, where I was the norm. I left when I knew that would never happen in the UMC.”

The second was:

“I realized that me being there either meant me not being healthy and fulfilled, doing things the way they wanted, or them not being fulfilled, having to do things my way. Everywhere I went I tried to move them toward the liturgy, but when I left, they just were left picking up the pieces and going back to things as usual. It was better for us all if I was not there.”

Joe’s comments cut me to the heart, because those are the two things that I have been struggling with the last month or two. Will I ever feel at home? Will I ever be surrounded by a group of people like me where I can just blend in and be one of the guys? Will I have to start over at every stop? Will I always be fighting this fight? Is it worth it? What will happen when I leave? Will I do more damage than good in the long term? Would it be better for everyone if I just found a tradition where I fit in?

Where is my place?

Where is my home?

Where am I?

Who am I?